A social phobia is an irrational fear of interacting with other people on a social level. Examples would be imagining others are staring at you while waiting in line at a checkout, talking in front of other people, or even a fear of talking on the phone.

Self-confidence is a posture, which allows people to have clear, yet realistic views of the themselves and their plight. Self-confident people have confidence in their own talent, have a general sense of control over their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they want to do.

Self-confidence is a frame of mind that is learned through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence. 

For example: A young man wants to learn how to be a prizefighter, so he gets a manager and takes lessons. His manager will not setup a fight for him until he has developed proficient skills. And even then, the manager will only put him up against an adversary that he knows his fighter can crush. When his fighter beats the contender, he is successful, and starts to gain belief in his proficiency. 

With each bout, the manager puts his warrior up against an adversary who is a slightly better contender then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young competitor begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to improve. This scenario continues to repeat itself. And as long as the competitor wins, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to improve.

Similarly, a young lady who is afraid of heights wants to learn to dive into a swimming pool from a high diving board. So she finds a diving coach who asks her to jump into the pool from the first step of the ladder up to the high board. The first step of the ladder isn't very high, so the young lady feels no fear, and she jumps from that step, and lands in the water unharmed. 

Next, the coach has her jump from the second step of the ladder, and so forth. I think that you are beginning to get the picture. With each additional step up the ladder, since the girl was successful on the previous step, and this next step is only slightly higher then the last, the fear factor is negligible, and the girl expects to be successful. When she jumps in and lands unharmed, the girl's confidence grows, and her expectation of success on the next step up the ladder increases.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even if an individual has true self-confidence, it doesn't mean that they will be successful at everything. Most people who have true self-confidence have sober expectations. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves. 

People, who are not self-confident, tend to rely disproportionately on the confirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. They refrain from taking risks for fear of failure. They belittle themselves and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive. 

Conversely, self-assured people are willing take a chance on disappointing others because they generally have faith in their own expertise. They tend to accept. A lack of confidence is often the result of centering much too strongly on the unrealistic expectations of other people, especially friends and parents. The power of peers can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self. 

Beliefs That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people create assumptions; some of these are helpful and some are not. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and alternative ways of thinking are: 

ASSUMPTION: I always have to be successful at every challenge I undertake. This is totally unrealistic. In life, each person has his strengths and his weaknesses. While it's important to do the best that one can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no person knows everything nor are they an expert at everything. 

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this assumption is totally unrealistic. All human beings are fallible. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially subject to external influences when you were a very young child, as you grow to adulthood, you can gain knowledge, understanding and perspective on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of past events. 

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize Your Strengths. Think about and give yourself credit for everything you can do. And bestow upon yourself recognition for every new adventure that you are willing to test. Take risks. Adopt the frame of mind of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I learn what doesn't work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can attempt some other action.

Use Self-Talk: Talk to yourself in positive terms to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting yourself to be perfect, remind yourself that it's impossible to be an expert at all things, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself as you are working towards improvement. 

Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many powerful NLP and Hypnosis processes that you can use to build a huge amount of self-confidence from within your subconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to appraise yourself independently. Avoid the habitual sense of chaos that comes from relying on the opinions of others.

Alan B. Densky is a hypnotherapist and NLP Practitioner. He offers effective hypnosis CDs for confidence and social phobias. His NLP for confidence CDs were independently reviewed in the UK. Visit his hypnotherapy MP3 Downloads site to watch free hypnosis videos.

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